Category: Let's talk
Hi all!
Being an untrusting person due to life experiences..(plus, all the true crime shows I've watched for years most likely didn't help lol...), I'm curious to see what you all think of background checks and doing them on people that you know, are getting to know...etc?
I did a full background check on my dad cause I didn't know him that well and I wanted to learn more about him before I contacted him or not. It helped me cause I knew what was public record at least..I knew his credet was crap (this is just an example.)
I'm thinking about doing a background check on my boyfriend. I met him on an online dating site, and even though he has done nothing to me (No physical or mental abuse nothing like that..no bad temper towards me..), etc. etc..It's just to be safe..to know all that I can.
Some people that are reding this are thinking, "Paranoid, much?"
Yep, and I don't deny it.
Plus, I thought this would be an interesting topic..seeing as how we can sometimes meet fellow zone people in real life.
P.S. I am aware that background checks do not know all about a person's life..for example, just an example; people that rape can rape for years with out getting caught.
I honestly see nothing wrong with doing a backgroung check. The way I see it, if the person has nothing to hide, and they know your situation (your hard time trusting because of your bad experiences), they shouldn't feel offended about it. If I were dating or preparing to meet face-to-face with someone from online and I felt the need to do so, I'd do a background check on that person and would not be offended if they did the same to me. The best thing is to be willing to be open with each other about one's life (to a point; you don't have to mention names), but the fact that someone may have gotten in serious trouble with the law for example might not always come up in a conversation. I would think that if you just had a feeling that you should do a background check on someone or felt safer by doing one, that there should be nothing wrong with it. It might seemed paranoid or creepy to some, but you know your intentions are not to use that info against the person. Just be equally willing to let the other person do the same to you if they feel the need to do a background check on you.
I should add that it all depends on why you're doing a background check. Your hard time with trust because of your experiences and the fact that you were preparing to meet your dad or to meet anyone from online in person are to me good reasons to do background checks if knowing more about them makes you feel better about meeting them.
I can surely say there are certain limits for everything.
or in another words, "too much of anything is good for nothing".
So as per that, there's a limit for doing anything. even as per this background check. if you always keeping on doing that with someone, which means you're having some trust issues. that may lead you to a problem as well, in my opinion.
Raaj.
Yes, I don't have any desire to use any of the info for bad purposes.
As for Raaj's comment..I've only done this once so I don't see it as becoming a problem.
Speaking of background checks, does anyone know of any good sites?
When I was looking for my dad (the only time I have done this in the past..), I had found a detective who had done the work for free once I had explained my situation.
Thanks all and no I wouldn't have a problem with this if someone wanted to do a background check on me that would be fine!
Like someone said, it's all public records anyway, so it's not like you're snooping into someone's private, forbidden information. Personally, that's not my style, but as long as your not using it to expose the person to the world, then I won't knock it.
Well, I think that if you think someone would be understanding of your need to do a background check on them because of your trust issues then you are very naïve. Let's be honest here – if you have trust issues then frankly, those are your issues to deal with.
Ultimately, part of getting to know someone, be that as a friendship or a relationship of any kind involves communicating with each other, asking the questions you want the answers to, and if that person is comfortable then they will tell you. Just because something is a matter of public record doesn't mean that you need to go and find it or that people should be happy for you to go and find it.
My address is a matter of public record, but I don't expect my perspective friends to go googling for it – if they think enough of me to want my address they'll ask me for it, and if I trust them then I'll give it to them. I would think much less of someone who went behind my back to find out my address, and would wonder why they felt the need to do that and why they couldn't just communicate with me in the first place. It's not a good basis for any friendship or relationship.
if you're paranoid enough to think doing a background check is ok, you really have issues to work on. it's beyond naive to think any human in their right mind would be fine with such a thing, in my opinion.
and thinking about that, do you tell someone you've done a background check on them? Just how do you bring this up in conversation?
If we're thinking about the boyfriend here I can just imagine how it might go:
"oh darling I will never hurt you, you can trust me." "yes I know, I did a background check on you and I know how you don't have a criminal record and I know you have ten siblings and I know that you have a clean credit rating. Now let's spend the rest of our lives together."
No really, there's just no way any kind of conversation like that could go well. So you'd either have to not tell them, in which case the whole relationship is built on deception, or risk them running for the hills, which any self-respecting individual would do like a shot.
I couldn't agree more. If you've got a bad feeling about someone, or just can't trust them for whatever reason, why have anything to do with them anyway?
Plus maybe you learn his credit rating is poor, but it will never say why. Maybe he is a sexual offender, because some birls daddy got mad at him when he was 19 and she was 17 and file charges, and because he had the money it stuck, even though the relationship was above board. I'd not care if a girl did a check on me, but if she decided about me totally by what she read about me, then she has a trust issue. That is fine. Now what is good for the goose is good for the gander, so if your background check came back with something preceived as negative would you allow open conversation about it? Me if I feel I have to check in to someones public records, then I probably don't wannt to date her anyway.
I think to be honest that the number of people who are on the sex offenders register because they had sex with their consenting, but underage girlfriend is miniscule. But I think that any decent prospective boyfriend would tell their future partner, because the impact of finding this sort of thing out later down the track rather than being told honestly about it would have a greater impact on how you felt about them. I wouldn't expect a friend to tell me something like that though, I would consider it their business and of course if they wanted me to know then I would listen.
There is a bigger issue that is being missed here though, and that is one of a false sense of security. If you do a background check on your future partner, and it comes back clear of any misdemeaner, then do you assume that all is well? Ultimately any background check is only as good as the day it's carried out. There might not be anything on it, but equally the individual might not have been caught yet.
How often are crimes perpetrated against children in school/nursery/other voluntary settings and the overriding report is that they passed all their criminal checks. They mean nothing and we as individuals have to take people at face value and make our own judgements. If something doesn't feel right then maybe it isn't. But then you have the option f walking away rather than trying to pacify your paranoya with a background check that might be either A worthless or B create a sense of mistrust from the outset.
I can tell you that if I found out a girlfriend of mine had done a background check on me, I would be single again very quickly. Sorry, there is a personal life, and there is a life you share with your girlfriend. Slowly, over time, I will tell my girlfriend what is in my personal life, but only on my terms; after all, its my personal life. If she went behind my back and drug out all my secrets, I would no she A. didn't trust me, and B. wasn't willing to wait for me to tell her on my own terms, which means she won't be willing to wait on other things.
That is incredibly invasive. Your father I can understand, because you haven't met him in a while, which means there's probably some underlying stuff there, but a boyfriend? No, there is no reason you need to be looking into that thing.
as per the sex offenders list, you'd be amazed what kind of people are on there. Even ten and twleve year olds get on the sex offenders list because someone takes a naked picture of themselves and texts them. If an administrator finds out, its child pornography, even if the kid din't want it.
Pea on a sidewalk, you go on the sex offenders list, send a sexual text message when your under the age of consent and get caught, you go on the sex offenders list. its out of control.
I see both sides here. I understand why you did a background check on your Dad. I think that was warranted. And, I also can understand the, nothing to hide, nothing to fear concept.
Even though I'd have nothing to fear in a background check done on me, I'd still be pissed as hell if I found out a boyfriend had done it. As others have said, it means you don't trust your partner, and that does not bode well for you, or the relationship. I'd say work on your trust issues first.
I understand wanting background check on a boyfriend if it's possibly going to lead to marriage. Why should you marry and find out there is another seeking child support, possibly an abandonned child, or debt that may interfere with his life with you financially. If you are interested, see if you can find Miami based P.I. Joseph Culligan's WHEN IN DOUBT CHECK HIM OUT. This came out in the '90's. If it's not a blood or intimate relationship I probably wouldn't bother.
Well, at least I know which of you lot I wouldn't be cultivating a friendship with any time soon.
Seriously – what happened to gut feeling and getting to know someone?
The only people all this bitterness and mistrust is going to hurt is you.
ok ok madam sugarbaby, I trust you and I'm fed up searching your mailling address on google. so what's the next solution?
Raaj.
If you're even thinking about doing a background check on me, you won't do me the courtesy of us progressively getting to know each other, so it's not worth ny tine you talking to me.
I'm an old-fashioned boy; I like to get to know people gradually, by talking.
"Seriously -- what happened to gut feeling and getting to know someone?" Problem is a lot of people ignore their gut feeling. Records don't lie, people do. If someone is looking to cultivate friendships or get along with neighbors or co-workers, it is going to be unrealistic to do a background check on each and every one. But a possible marriage? Or business relationship? This is no place for a fairy tale ending or psychiatrist's couch mindset? "Trust issues"?
I call it more than a trust issue when a Jamaica Plain heiress marries a more working class sort from Revere to get embarrassed years later on national news by him. He went all out on decorating her seven bedroom mansion for Christmas, saying he just "loved the children and the smiles it put on their little faces." Gag me! A MA state official saw his blubbering on CNN and said "Hm, that's where that sucker is." Turns out he abandoned his three children from a divorce years earlier. They're now grown, but he is being rightfully sued by the state to reclaim taxpayers' money paid to the family in welfare benefits. That's right, dud paid not even one dime in child support.
Had we done some background checking on a potential landlord, we could have saved us some grief and aggravation and found a better apartment. Mr. Squid is one of these naive, trusting types, and based on having known this man on the cab pool, said OK. Well, turns out the property was owned by someone else & the "landlord" was simply to be a rent collector. Well, the "rent collector" cashed and gambled away our checks, and the real owner was so spineless he didn't come to us until 6 months later. He went bankrupt, sold the property, and we had to look for another property on short notice...only to have Mr. Squid do business with another "friend" and have to vacate that property. I don't do business with "friends" even if it means paying real estate commission.
Or how about a background check on someone who babysits your child? Perhaps if I had done some on my last one, maybe a credit check, I could have saved myself the grief and aggravation of someone mooching off me. Maybe a chat with her estranged husband could have sent me looking elsewhere. Perhaps a Tampa woman could have saved her toddler a bullet in his back in a poor neighborhood where his sitter was looking to buy drugs had she done a credit or records check on this sitter. Perhaps sports commentator Jumanah Kidd could have avoided marriage with that wife beating asshat Jason had she listened to her gut feeling, but she didn't and now she has 3 kids by him. I'm glad some of you guys have such a tremendous sense of trust and nothing to hide, but many people are hiding something and why get burned by 'em if you can avoid it?
You are talking business? This is suppose to be a dating, or love relationship, not a business arrangement? If finding a mate becomes a business arrangement, then get on a dating sight and sell yourself as a thing. Lol
Squid, I can definitely see running a background check on someone who will be caring for your children, or any children, for that matter. It's a whole different deal when kids are involved, because you're trusting to someone else's care those who don't have a lot of power in and of themselves. But as adults, with instinct, perception, and the ability to make choices, I'd say it's different, and we need to be more discerning. Forereel is right. This discussion has been about relationships like a significant other, not a business arrangement.
There is a vast difference between doing a check on a landlord (although to be honest I would hope to go through a reputable agency if I were renting), and doing a background check on your future husband.
Even if hiring a babysitter I would expect to go through an agency where people had been checked to ensure their suitability. I work with children on a voluntary basis and I have had to go through the criminal records check in order to be allowed to do that. I am involved in employing teaching staff and other staff who often work with vulnerable adults and children and they are all subject to criminal record checks before they can start work, and rightly so.
But as I've said before, any kind of check is only as good as the day it's carried out, so a criminal record check coming back clear doesn’t mean someone isn't a criminal, it just means they haven't been caught.
So ultimately we need to trust our gut instincs and feelings and make our own judgements. But equally I think we need to realise that for the most part, people are honest and are not abusers etc. We need to give the benefit of the doubt.
And going back to checking a potential partner, even if he's squeaky clean there's no guarantee that he won't turn out to be a shit who'll break your heart.
Unfortunately, cheating won't show up on a background check, so Sugar baby is right. Just because a background check comes back clean doesn't mean you're safe from harm. I'm not going to sit here and say how dare you do this, because it's your life and you're free to do what you want with it, not to mention these are public records, so you're not doing anything legally wrong. however, I personally could never even consider doing such a thing on a significant other or any relationship that is meant to be friendly. I can understand business partners and the like, but most people would be bothered if they found out you'd done a background check on them because you have trust issues, and rightfully so. coming from a personal standpoint, even if the person has nothing to hide, I'm sure most people will question your ability to go by instinct. No creeper can hide their true colors forever.
"You are talking business?" Sorry forereel but I'm with John and Jeff of the old John and Jeff radio show. You have attorneys making money doing folks' divorces. If divorce is a business, so is marriage. Not dating or having a friend...some don't want to get married and I accept that. But if it's going to lead to marriage? Might be a good idea to consent to a background check and make it mutual. In some societies where the marriages are arranged, the parents are getting acquainted with these people on a deeper level, really getting to know the family they have in mind for their child. There is a dowry involved, so you're talking business. Why find out the one you love has a spouse in another state or country and these aren't common law divorce societies? When it's too late and you've already invested considerable time and energy, possibly your finances in this relationship you find out when you've looked forward to marriage that person is still wed to another or has abandonned a family? Like I said dating and friends shouldn't be background checked, but once you're talking starting a commercial or marriage venture with one of 'em, asking and being open to one on oneself couldn't hurt.
When ever I open my heart to a relationship I don't bother about the money I spend on it. You see their is something called sense. Sure you are interested, you want a lover, and you want a husband or wife, so you must risk something, and mostly that is your heart. If I have to arrange a business with a prospective lover, then I may as well get a laywer or match making service to locate that "perfect" person and forget about the hunan side of it. Okay, so I've got my background check, my prenuptual, my last will setup, and I've protected my best interest, business wise. This girl is smoking, she's got money, according to all, looks great, has good teeth and a great medical history. I've selected her hair color, weight, height, and I have contracted she will give me sex at lest 4 times a week. Oh, forgot, she must bare a son first. I get her home and she's a total asshole. She has no feelings, no respect for anyone, only cares about that business arrangement, and we have no love or trust. I guess when we have a disagreement we just grab the contract to see what we should do right? No thank you. I am willing to spend some money, give some heart and find someone I enjoy smeling her feet. It might cost me a little, take some time, but in the end it will be all worth it. I belive when people did this, arranged setups they also had to find someone to love, so mistresses and side lovers became popular. Smile.
I forgot to say. With human relationships comes some risk, but that risk can be managed with sense. Sometimes even after you think you've gotten it right you still have human issues, and that is okay. Me personally if I feel I need a business arrangement to enjoy a lover I'm going to just buy a dog. Lol
I think it's very sad that marriage and divorce is still considered like a business in some cases. of course, that's another topic altogether, but seriously, in many countries now, you're actually allowed to marry for love. wow! What a concept! You don't have to marry someone to start a business arrangement with them. besides, as pointed out earlier, background checks don't touch on how faithful a particular person is. If your partner cheats on you, you're probably going to want to leave them, right? I know a lot of people believe in second chances, but if it becomes a common issue, you're not going to want to stick around forever, are you? A background check won't tell you that one was coming.
By its very nature marriage and its opposite, divorce, are business contracts. Whose bringing what financial assets into the marriage? Laws regarding marriage vary from state to state, which should tell you this is business. A blood test (usually for syphilis) or course one might have to take in one state they may not have to in another. Likewise with divorce who gets primary custody of any kids? If the two can't on their own work out division of financial assets, that's where court comes in. Requirements of divorce in one state may not apply in another, and proof you may have to provide in one state...for example if you want something other than a no fault divorce in Texas, you need to bring proof of adultery, abandonment or cruelty...may not apply in another. Before people even enter into marriage, they should come to agreement on whether or not they even want any kids and if so, when, how many? How do they intend to support 'em? Working parents or one staying home? This is a contract with agreements, so I'm not seeing how it isn't commerce by its very nature. Actually marriage records (except in the five boroughs of NYC) and divorce records are public in most if not all states, and a chat with some of these folks' ex(es) or even a good look at their divorce depositions should tell you why this is taking place. I stopped believing in marriage for love a long time ago. I'd be curious what societies allow marriage for love and what the divorce stats are there. I've known people from societies where the parents arranged the marriages, like India, and they're still together 20+ years later, and it seems to me more people in the U S marry for love & get divorced more frequently than the Indians.
You might be right and I, saddly, have to agree with some of your points. I to have a odd view on love, but its not a business arrangement. You see love, and true love comes with much time, and that is why I agree with the point that arranged situations work. They work because the people grow to love, and make it work, but they don't work because the business was correct. I have been married before, and might again, but personally checking some bodies background isn't going to tell me if we are like minded. That isn't love either, its that sense I stated. I personal could stay with someone forever without marrying them. What keeps us glued is not that contract, or what I read in some document she was or wasn't, it isouur wilingness to stay together and mutual respect for one another. You simply can't learn that on a document, so I say forget it. Smile.
Meh...I don't know. If you really feel you need to do it, then do it. It's your life. I don't personally think it's necessary, but that's just me.
I think it all depends on why you want to do it, if something makes you suspicious about someone to the point that you think they may be bad or dangerous, you can try that, but if it is a person living in your city or town that you and many others know well, than that may not be so necessary. Just my views.
I agree with it as long as you're not using it for personal details just for background stuff such as credit ratings, crimes and so forth, it's a great idea to be safer then sorry. If they used it to gleam my address then no, but use it appropriately, it might be helpful.